101 ways
by The madness in me
Summary: 101 ways to weaponize potions previously thought to be harmless. As discovered by Neville Longbottom and compiled by Severus Snape.
1. Chapter 1

Inspired by a running joke in my story "Secret potions club". This does not take place in the SPC world however.

It is based more in the main HP universe.

From chapter two onward I will be aiming to include five potions per chapter until we reach the 101. Assuming I can think of 101. I may need suggestions. :)

* * *

_Tap Tap Tap_

"Maybe it would look better on the left?" Ron suggested.

_Tap Tap Tap Tap_

"Or against that other wall." Said Ginny.

_Tap Tap Tap._

"It needs to be closer to the window." Harry argued.

_Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap._

"Are any of you going to let that owl in?" Hermione snapped, dropping a box of random items onto the bed and skirting around her friends to open the window.

Neville stood in the centre of the room, intently focused on the old dresser his Gran had gifted him for his new flat. He was grateful for his friends help moving him in but they had been arguing about this for almost an hour now and nothing else had been done at all.

"I like it where it is." He calmly decided.

"But.."

Whatever 'but' Ron had to give was interrupted by his fiancé.

"Neville. You….have a parcel." That much wasn't a surprise to anyone, they had all seen the owl after all, even if they had all ignored it in favour of the dresser argument. "It's from Professor Snape"

All of them turned as one, identical looks of shock upon their faces. Surely, they had misheard? The young woman stood holding small parcel wrapped in simple brown paper with instructions on the front written in a very familiar scrawl_, for Neville Longbottom._

"But he's dead" Ron helpfully supplied.

They all winced at even this partial reminder of the battle of Hogwarts which had taken place just over a year ago. Harry had told them all about the sacrifice Snape had made during the battle and his actions on behalf of Dumbledore. It had given them all a degree of sympathy towards the now deceased Potions Master.

Although, despite everything he had seen, all the death and destruction of the battle itself and the many injustices that preceded it, Neville still wasn't sure that if you stood him in front of a boggart once more it wouldn't take the familiar form of the surly professor.

"It's post-dated" Hermione informed them, checking the envelope, "he arranged before he died for it to be sent now"

"But why is he sending me a package?" Neville asked, his eyes wide with confusion and a little fear. "What would he even want to send me of all people?"

"Only one way to find out mate" Harry told him.

They all leaned in as Neville split open the paper surrounding the package, each of them itching with curiosity. They all held their breath as he peeled it away.

It was a book.

It was clean and newly printed. A card tucked between the book and the packaging stated it was from 'Touglleton and Boggs' publishing house.

Neville couldn't describe the feeling that he experienced as he read the title, it might have been horror, or wonder, or humour, or fear, or all of the above and maybe some more. It was certainly not a feeling he had ever had before or ever really wanted to experience again.

This couldn't be real, he told himself.

There was no way.

It was ridiculous.

Snape wouldn't have.

Couldn't have.

"101 ways to weaponize potions previously thought to be harmless. As discovered by Neville Longbottom and compiled by Severus Snape"

"Bloody hell" Ron cried out in shock "Are you telling me that moody old git actually had a sense of humour the whole time?"

…..

**Preface by the Author**

At the time of writing I have been a Professor of Potions Brewing at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for a little under fourteen years.

I began writing this book around four years ago, following the arrival of a student by the name of Neville Longbottom. Admittedly I didn't realise I would be writing a book until two years after that and many descriptions of the earlier potions are based on what I could find of my own teaching notes.

In all my years of teaching I have never known a student so hopelessly inept at potions brewing and cannot recall a single occasion wherein he produced a correctly formulated product without the extensive assistance of a classmate. (She knows who she is) You can imagine my shock of course when I realised that despite his hopelessness, and in fact because of it, he had miraculously invented an entire range of new potions I had never encountered before. Every one of them deadly.

As a helpful guide, or perhaps a warning of the lethal consequences of incorrect potion brewing I have compiled as many of these as I could recall into this book.

I can't exactly say I have enjoyed writing this because honestly every lesson with this boy has been something of an ordeal but I can say it has at least been a valuable learning experience. (For me, not him. I truly don't think he has learned a single thing in all my lessons)

Please do not try at home.

Or if you do, please brew responsibly.


	2. 1 - 5

**One – Cough remedy**

This was my first brewing session with Mr Longbottom. I regret that at the time I was entirely unaware of the 'walking potential for disaster' that had just entered my classroom and was not watching very closely, so did not see exactly what happened.

We began with a basic cough remedy.

It's five ingredients. Very simple. Very difficult to get wrong.

The potion he produced would certainly have cured a throaty cough, though it would have done so by entirely burning away the throat itself.

By some careful experimenting after the class I discovered that the effects he had produced were possible if you added a sprig of terrin-grass (Not sure where he got it from) and stirred very rapidly three times counter clockwise.

**Two - Hiccoughing potion**

A standard potion on the first-year curriculum.

Instead of curing hiccoughs he managed to create a potion which induces asthma attacks.

Unfortunately, the effects were achieved not by ingesting the potion but by inhaling the fumes. Several other students required immediate medical attention.

For the first time in my decade of teaching I was forced to question whether the ventilation in the castle dungeons was in fact adequate for potions brewing.

Effects achieved by dropping your wand into the potion just as it steeps and then sighing heavily across the surface to disturb to fumes.

Please note: Do not inhale immediately after doing this! Hold your breath if you want to live. Not to be brewed in an enclosed space. Maybe invest in some sort of gas mask.

**Three - Headache remedy**

I needed a headache remedy myself after this. For reference these potions are being listed chronologically and this was about three months into his first year.

How to make a headache potion boil your brain instead:

Dragon tooth. Cedarwood. Alfalfa. Squid ink. Averic berries. Gillyweed. Dried Mandrake root.

In Longbottom's defence the credit for this one goes to some other students (Regretfully my own Slytherins) who I later realised were throwing things into his cauldron whenever he turned away.

**Four – Shampoo**

Your everyday hair wash treatment. A brew that has been played around with and adapted by house-witches for generations. You can literally add anything to this potion and not cause an adverse effect.

Or so I thought.

For any witchdoctors reading this who need an innovative new way to shrink heads you are in luck.

First brew the basic shampoo formula (recipes available in any standard witches' housekeeping book) then sneeze into the potion three times, add a handkerchief which has previously been soaked in pumpkin juice and coated in sesame seeds, (Why he even attempted to blow his nose with this is a mystery), then throw in lavender, sandalwood, cinnamon, coconut and mint (Apparently, he didn't realise he was meant to just pick one scent not use all of them) and stir lightly before adding a whole candle. (He was attempting to fish out his handkerchief with a spoon and was using the candle to see better.)

**Five – Rash potion**

They say there is more than one way to skin a cat.

This potion is one of those ways. It is in fact an effective method for skinning just about anything.

Not to be confused with correctly brewed rash potion which of course will cure a rash. This bright purple gloop when administered to skin will cause it to neatly fizzle away.

Avoid contact.

Wear gloves. (Not dragon hide, it will melt right through them. Metal plated gloves.)

Produced by adding at least three ounces of Amchur Powder (In this case clumsily dropped a whole pot in whilst attempting to pass it to someone else) then immediately removing the cauldron from the heat (In a panic) and placing (hiding) it inside a dark cupboard for three hours (where I would later find it)


	3. 6 - 10

**Six – Tooth straightening potion**

This one is a somewhat horrifying potion mishap.

Oddly enough, applying the potion to the teeth only will still produce the intended effect of straightening them however I would advise against using it (Stick to the normal tooth straightening brewing method.)

This version should it come into contact with any body part other than teeth will cause additional teeth to spontaneously grow there.

Not necessarily lethal in small quantities (a few teeth growing out of arms or legs etc. would be unpleasant but treatable) however if an unfortunate individual were to be submerged in such a potion…. I shall leave the rest to your imagination.

This potion is created by performing stages one to four of the Tooth Straightening Potion on page 57 of "Magical Drafts and Potions" followed by stages three to seven of the Skele-grow potion on page 60. (The pages in his text book were stuck together)

**Seven – Painting reanimation coating**

Of all the potions accidentally produced by Mr Longbottom I think this one may be my favourite, if only for the novelty of it. Rather than killing a person directly like a poison, this modified painting reanimation lacquer when applied to a painting will animate it as expected with the additional effect of causing the subject to crawl right out of the image and attack anyone in sight.

If attempting at home keep a bucket of corrosive nearby to throw over the paint creature.

I strongly advise against its use on any image you do not feel confident in your ability to fight.

If you decide to use it on an image of a tiger or a bear for example don't come crying to me.

To produce this effect, drop a pot of ink and a raven feather quill into the potion three minutes into the brewing time.

**Eight – Flu remedy**

Intended as a means to treat the symptoms of flu (specifically the excessive mucus build-up which causes all that irritating sniffling the afflicted seem prone to) Longbottom's remedy has the unfortunate effect of working too well in that when consumed it will totally remove all mucus from the body.

Within several minutes the mucus lining of the stomach will be dissolved and without this protective layer the stomachs acids will begin to eat away at the stomach itself.

Potion produced by adding almost twenty times the usual amount of toad skin. (Once again, he dropped the damn jar)

**Nine – Anti-nausea draught**

I trust you've all heard the phrase "puke your guts out".

Very, very literal.

Very, very messy.

His pet toad crawled all over his chopping board prior to the lesson and its secretions contaminated the potion. Any breed of toad will do.

**Ten – Swelling solution**

In direct contrast to the Tooth Straightening Potion detailed previously (Number Six) this Swelling Potion is not lethal if the individual is fully submerged but can be if just a single body part is affected.

Like a regular Swelling Potion, it will cause objects to swell in size upon contact however when used on living organisms the effects are isolated to the body part which the potion touches.

(Try to imagine those over-sized novelty hands people sometimes wave around at Quidditch games) It may seem comedic in theory however in practice the strain placed on the rest of the body to support this growth can be fatal. (Stick to the fake hands if you are planning to attend any sporting events)

If the whole body is affected at once (through full submersion) the entire individual will swell to a larger size with less overall harm to the body and a simple Deflation Draft can be used to restore them.

Produced by using an entire puffer fish in the potion instead of just the eyes. (I didn't even know I had a whole puffer fish in the store room. I purchase the eyes in jars. Did he bring his own?)


	4. 11 - 15

**Eleven - Deflating Draught**

Have you ever seen a balloon with all of the air sucked out of it?

Just a limp mess of folds laying on the floor. A little sad. A little pointless. Not very appealing if you are trying to decorate a birthday party. Just an empty flap of rubber.

Or nylon.

Or pixie silk.

Or whatever else balloons might be made of.

Now imagine that…

…but a human.

How he managed to produce a potion that literately deflates a person is a mystery since the intended potion would be more accurately be described as a shrinking draught, which as you are no doubt aware is intended to counteract the effects of a swelling solution.

By some miracle, although this potion is lethal on its own and useless for treating a regular swelling solution it does for reasons unknown work perfectly well as a treatment for the version of the swelling solution Longbottom created as detailed previously (number ten). I can only assume this is a miraculous coincidence and not intentional otherwise I might begin to suspect the boy is doing all of this deliberately and is in fact a potions genius and I'm not sure I could cope with that.

Potion is produced by adding four toadstools into the cauldron at the end of the brewing time instead of two at the mid-way point then bringing the brew rapidly to a boil and simmering for twenty minutes.

**Twelve - Skele-gro**

Humans are not meant to have exoskeletons. There is a very good evolutionary reason for this. I am not a biologist so I could not say what that reason is. Perhaps you could consult Mr Newt Scamander on the subject.

I do know for certain however that humans are not meant to grow hard bone shells outside of their skins. They will die.

Produced by dropping a few ants into the potion. It took me a while to figure this out, technically what he dropped was a chunk of bread and jam that had been stuck to the sleeve of his robes. I saw the bread go in and wasted a lot of time experimenting with quantities of soft crust and strawberry preserve before I realised there had been ants on the food and that they were the key ingredient.

The bread and jam itself had no effect on the potion so their inclusion is optional. Personally, I favour raspberry.

**Thirteen - Stain remover**

Everything remover.

Dissolves everything it comes in contact with.

I mean everything.

There is a hole at the edge of my classroom where a cauldron once stood. Thank God we were in the dungeons and there was no one below us. I don't know how deep the hole is now. For all I know that puddle of slime is still making its way down to the core of the Earth.

Do not brew.

I'm not even going to tell you how. Just know it was done once and should never be done again.

**Fourteen - Toothache remedy**

Thankfully I know better than to trust anything Longbottom produces by this point because I almost believed for a while that this potion had been brewed correctly.

Anyone unfortunate enough to consume it would find that their breath begins emitting a particular scent which if they were ever to come in contact with a tree fairy would induce in the creature a crazed hunger for that person's teeth. They will murder the individual to get them.

One of the more bizarre indirect methods of death in this list.

The potion itself will successfully cure a toothache and if the recipient never encounters a fairy will cause no harm.

That is however as they say; a big if.

Produced by adding around a half cup of milk into the potion just before the mint leaves.

I feel I need to point out that food and drink are not actually permitted in my classroom but somehow, he still finds ways to bring them in and drop them in his cauldron regardless.

**Fifteen - Veritaserum (Truth potion)**

You will start talking. You will not stop.

You will admit every lie, confess every sin, voice every errant thought that ever passed through your mind. You will begin telling your life story in painful detail.

Death will result from a mixture of sleep deprivation, starvation, dehydration and anything else that could inevitably be expected from a complete inability to stop talking.

Produced by dropping an invigoration draught into the brew whilst stirring counter clockwise just before adding the Jobberknoll feathers.

I think he was taking the invigoration draught (presumably brewed by another student) to help counteract tiredness from staying up last night revising for this brewing assignment. Had he not dropped it in, the brew would have been just good enough to earn a passing grade. Not very well done but above his usual standard at least.

I doubt he will appreciate the irony as much as I do.

* * *

Did anyone pick up on the Alice in Wonderland nod? (Toadstool, in a shrinking potion)


	5. 16 - 20

**Sixteen - Amortentia (Love potion)**

This potion will make the drinker love someone to the point of obsession. First, they will kill others to keep them away from their love, then the potion will ferment in their stomach and become more potent until they kill both the object of their obsession and then themselves to ensure they are together forever.

I'm marketing it as 'Fair Verona' for reasons I suspect only muggleborns will understand. (Pure bloods will simply have to take my word for it that it is very clever.)

Made by dropping a black rose into the potion as it is boiling.

**Seventeen - Fake tan**

A must have for witches and wizards this summer, are you beach body ready?

Well thanks to Longbottom you may decide to just cover up and stay indoors (A choice I fully endorse). Intended to provide a fake tan with a subtle glow when applied to skin, Longbottom's unique variation instead turns the top layer of skin bright red as it burns it away.

Then the next layer Orange.

The next yellow.

Green.

Blue.

Indigo.

Violet.

Then back to red again but this layer is just blood because there is no skin left.

(People need skin.)

Made by adding chameleon scales to the potion between each of the other ingredients in a standard fake tan potion.

**Eighteen - Everlasting wood lacquer**

An acceptable wood lacquer unless you apply more than two layers, at which point it will animate any wooden item of furniture to a sentient state with the rage of a Whomping Willow and the tenacity of a bloodhound. Angry furniture is no joke people. Keep an axe to hand if you wish to try this.

The lacquer aspect will make the object beautiful and shiny as well as ridiculously strong. If you have never wondered if you can win a fight against a chest of drawers let me assure you now, you cannot.

Effects achieved by mixing a simple wood varnish with an invigoration potion (Because he apparently learned nothing from the Veritaserum incident) and a spoonful of chilli pepper seeds.

**Nineteen - Dreamless sleep potion**

He somehow managed to create a Sleepless dream potion instead. Keeps the drinker awake but vividly hallucinating.

Not strictly lethal, but if left to their own devices the individual will eventually do something stupid like jump out of a window thinking they can fly. It's entertaining up until that point though.

Made by adding the duck feathers from a stuffed pillow. (I don't know why. Why does he do these things?)

**Twenty – Wolfsbane**

It does exactly what it is supposed to do. The only difference is, instead of the disgusting sour milk taste of traditional wolfsbane potion, Longbottom's version tastes like strawberries.

I'm regarding this as his greatest failure.

The danger it poses is simple; watching the misery on the face of the werewolf I am forced to brew this for each month as he drinks it, is one of the few joys left in my life and without it I will undoubtedly resort to mass murder.

I'm not sharing this recipe with the world. I'm dropping it in the hole Number Thirteen burned into my classroom floor.

Enjoy your sour milk Lupin!

* * *

The reason I'm not strictly linking this with the Secret Potions Club is because this version of Snape is 1000% more of a dick than the SPC one. And I am loving writing it.

For anyone who is unaware; "Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona, where we lay our scene." is the opening line of Romeo and Juliet.


	6. 21 - 25

**Twenty-One - Local numbing cream**

All over numbing cream. The whole body loses all feeling.

Not immediately dangerous; but here's the catch…it's not all the time. It stops and starts without warning, with variations of minutes, hours or days between occurrences.

I think it goes without saying that being numb all over is not a functional state. Without sensation a person will fall over. The come and go nature of this condition will inevitably cause the user to have an accident sooner or later. Probably falling down the stairs or something.

(Perfect for when you want to 'Make it look like an accident' since technically it will be. I might send out a few pots as gifts. Though that might seem a little suspicious since I don't send gifts. Ever.)

Made by adding two extra stalks of aloe vera and a pack of peppermint lozenges then rapidly cooling the potion with a chilling spell as it starts to boil over.

**Twenty-Two - Pepper up potion**

Intended to cure a common cold and provide gentle warming. Within the capability of any competent third year student.

I think by now we can agree that competent is not in Longbottom's vocabulary.

This version induces a deadly fever.

The drinker will literally boil alive, their body temperature steadily rising to dangerous levels over the course of approximately three minutes.

If you wanted you could hard boil an egg in their mouth. (I'm not saying you should. But you could. If you wanted. It would work.)

Paprika, cloves, dried mandrake and a stick of liquorish. Herbs can be added at any time during the brew. Liquorish needs to be added at the end.

I'm going to be honest I've started sneaking extra ingredients onto his table during brews just to see what happens. This is why the paprika and cloves were there. He brought his own liquorish.

**Twenty-Three - All-purpose cleaning solution**

An excellent cleaner as long as you don't touch it.

Removes all oily stains with 100% effectiveness.

Danger arises if solution comes into contact with skin. Even just a small splash is deadly as due to the nature of the solution it will spread across the skin actively seeking out the natural oils there and burning them away.

Dehydration is imminent.

Once again, I am not a biologist but I can say with confidence that skin needs oil to function properly.

I am well aware that many of my students mock me behind my back for being an 'oily git'; (an oily git with excellent hearing by the way) but in this instance I think even they will agree that too much is better than none at all. (Not that I am admitting to having too much. My skin is fine. I regret writing this note. Must remember to erase it before the final edit.)

Potion is formed by starting with a standard floor cleaning solution then adding an entire bottle of acetate and somehow flambéing the entire cauldron. Once the fire has been extinguished, stand back and do not touch.

Works beautifully on glass and metal surfaces if you are foolish enough to risk using it.

**Twenty-Four - Confusing concoction **

Magically induced dementia.

The world did not need this.

This one actually made me a little sad.

Not much mind you; I'm fine for most other people to sod off and die quite frankly, but a little.

Dementia isn't a fun or funny way to go.

I'm not going to post the method. It's going into the hole.

(As a side note; having a bottomless hole in my classroom floor is proving surprisingly useful. Not least because I am finally rid of those seizure inducing yellow and pink socks Dumbledore gave me for Christmas last year. I'm still half certain it was intended as an act of aggression.)

**Twenty-five - Weedosoros**

Given the young man's track record with potions intended to be harmless, I decided to test what would happen if he brewed something deadly by design.

Technically poisons are not meant to be taught until the fourth-year curriculum following sign off by both myself and Professor Dumbledore to say the student is competent to be trusted with such a task (not bloody likely in Longbottom's case) but I was impatient.

Thus, entirely without the Headmaster's knowledge or blessing (but I intend to be long retired and relaxing on a beach in Honoloulou before he ever finds out about it.) I had Longbottom brew a batch of Weedosoros poison.

He dropped his wand into the fire under the cauldron (How?) just as he reached stage three, having already substituted several unnecessary ingredients. The whole thing exploded. We barely survived.

I can't remember which substitutions were made and my notes were incinerated in the blast.

My ears are still ringing.

I'm going to go lay down once I've finished writing this.

Regretting everything.


End file.
